YEAR OF THE OX PROMISES NEW BEGINNINGS AND STEADFAST BUILDING

Those "Click" Vs "Oops!" Moments that Give the Gift of Understanding

by Virginia Cornue

A "click" moment is deeply satisfying, connecting you to some internal understanding or to others in shared experience. An "oops!" moment is just the opposite--it is an open mouth-insert-foot-forehead-slapping flash or "Wow! Could that person be any more stupid or prejudiced?" Hopefully the "oops!" moment offender realizes her mistake and mends her ways to be transformed into a "click" moment connector.

Last November, I had the pleasure of an evening of click moments with Houston FCC parents (Families with Children from China) at a Borders talk and book signing for The Dragon's Daughters Return. My talk was titled "Seeing in Stupid Vision" and was inspired by a jibe my daughter dealt with in sixth grade. One of her class mates did the eye-pulling thing to make his eyes almond-shaped and wiggled the corners up and down, while chanting in a sing-song ching-chong mockery of Mandarin's musicality--"Do you see in wide vision?" "No," she flattened him, "Do you see in stupid vision?"

Scarcely were two sentences out of my mouth when Houston parents began chiming in with stupid vision "oops!" moments they or their kids had experienced, which duplicated the pattern of general questions and comments typical both of domestic and international adoption and some that are particular to adoption from China. The general ones include "Where is she from? Do you know the birth parents? How much did she cost? Who are her real parents?" Those specific to China include the above, as well as "She is so lucky," uttered in hushed tones meaning: everybody knows that China hates girls and aren't you great for having rescued her. Parents standard responses tend to be--"We are the lucky ones."

Houston FCC parents and I shared our click moments about coping with anger, hurt and bewilderment from statements or queries that questioned the authenticity of our families. And in poignant agreement, we shared our feelings about watching our kids buffeted by more direct jabs--nose mashing, eye-pulling gestures; "Chinks, go back where you belong" or "I know why you are adopted, your real parents didn't want you, threw you away, got rid of you" comments. And in the end there was a deep connection evident as parents looked at each other in recognition--you, too; your child, too? I thought it was only me, my child.

It was an emotional evening. For some it was an evening of unexpected, even overwhelming clicks. It was one that had the potential for change as we were drawn together in our moments of sympathy. This is the season for change, and thankfully so. President Obama was elected on a platform of change--one hopefully that will bring about a whole new understanding of what it means to be Americans. I am hopeful that the change promising to expand our national hearts about black/white racism will extend to other forms of racism and sexism, making unacceptable the comments that currently trouble adoptive families and children. I am hopeful even that the very meaning of the American family will expand and change. Wouldn't that be an awe-inspiring moment of national "click"?